Today I Watched You Die
By B.D. Gardiner, RN, CCRN
Today, I watched you die.
When first we met, you spoke to me,
Joked with me, confided in me, dreamed for me.
Medications, scans, tubes proliferated,
Surgeries-too many, blood.
The best I… not I. More
The best “we” could offer.
Assessments? Flawless.
Interventions? Precise
Your fears? "We'll get you through this."
Days would pass between us...
Your kind expressions… still.
Your sense of humor… silent.
Decisions made, family absent.
As your nurse, strong, stoic.
As your friend, a tear in private.
Today, I watched you die.
Today, I watched you die.
Who you were, I never knew,
That part, your part, had already departed.
You were young, younger than I.
Family behind, tensions abound,
“Do this!” “No do that!”
“Well, what about me?” I heard.
Amidst the vocality and duality of personalities,
A mother wept,
"My baby, please wake up!"
Vocalizations ceased, stillness fell,
Decisions made; a mother stayed.
As your nurse, quiet.
As a person, whispered in stillness,
"I’m so sorry we could do nothing more."
Today, I watched you die.
Today, I watched you die.
I learned of your kindness,
Though, you could not speak.
I learned of your generosity,
Though, you could not move.
I learned of your love for others,
Though, your embrace remained stationary.
Your family, the biggest ever,
Crowded in your room.
Words of affirmation,
Stories of love and laughter fill the air.
A devoted wife, flanked by daughters,
Holds tightly to your hand.
She whispers,
"It's ok. I'll be ok."
"I love you."
Decisions made long ago.
An electric line dances smooth.
As your nurse, kind, soft.
As a husband, father,
Pensive.
Today, I watched you die.
Today, I watched you die.
An act repeated far too oft.
Tragedy, stupidity, inaccuracy, or destiny.
Families present,
All alone,
Friends now sundered,
The world unwitting.
Yet I discern,
I was there,
You were in my expert care.
I dulled your pain, enhanced your breath
Cleansed your body and robed your wounds.
As your nurse, you meant something,
A moment least not forgotten,
I pray peace discovers you.
Why this?
Not for glory, not for fame,
For wealth? Please, my wallet is a sieve.
I am who I am, what I am, why I am
As your RN,
To say,
Today I watched you live.
